Ice Skating

So, here's the thing. I've moved into the negotiation stage of culture shock. It's on Wiki if you're not an anthropologist. But basically, I'm miserable and spend a lot of time going, "WHY IS EVERYTHING SO HARD IN THIS COUNTRY? IN CANADA WE..." I sound like Phoebe  from The Magic School Bus, but it's more annoying because I'm not a cartoon character in an ensemble cast. You don't get a break from me so you can be annoyed with Arnold or Dorothy Ann for a bit, you just get ME. 

I can't be the only person who thought they
were going to kill off Arnold in this episode.

Right... Now that I've gotten that off my chest, here's the reason for this post: 

I don't even really like ice skating, but it's so, so Canadian that even me, who's been rivalling Bella Swan for the title of Queen Klutz for years now, can skate with at least a little bit of skill. Literally every town in Nova Scotia has an ice rink. My county is so small we only have three high schools, but we have at least five rinks [that's one for every town, even though four of them are so close to each other they might as well be one mega town].

I had to skate to pass physical education. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I'm not friends with gym classes. But until grade 11 [when gym was no longer mandatory] I skated at the local rink a couple times a year as part of the gym curriculum. I can only assume the other counties [the education curriculum  in Nova Scotia tends to be pretty uniform] and provinces are the same, which would make skating a BIG THING across the country.

Okay, so everyone knows that figure skates are awful unless you're a figure skater. The picks [the jagged edges along the front of the blade] are supposed to help with turns and stuff, and also with stopping. Unless you're me, then they just cause you to fall on your face with as much grace as a minute old giraffe. I, along with a lot of other girls in my class, skated in hockey skates. No picks, a little thicker so it's harder to kill yourself... They're like the skate equilvalent of flats. Sure, heels can be prettier, but if you're just going to kill yourself why bother? This is important for later, just so you know. 

Anyway, to the point of the story [though there will probably be more dancing around this point because that's just how I roll]. This past weekend, while in Wales, I had the opportunity to go ice skating for the first time in years. At this point, almost three months into my UK stay, I'm so homesick that I would even welcome someone mispronouncing my last name because it would remind me of New Scotland and their inability to pronounce the simplest of English surnames. Of course I say yes. So, off to Winter Wonderland we go. At this point it's freezing cold, which is also just like home. 

So, it's freezing, what does my host wear? A suit jacket, a tiny jean skirt, and tights. TO SKATE. TO SKATE OUTSIDE. TO SKATE OUTSIDE IN FREEZING TEMPERATURES. I knew right away that this wouldn't be like skating with the people from home. Mostly because cold weather doesn't confuse us Canadians. If we go skating in that sort of outfit it's probably because we want to impress a cute boy or girl, or we've got a concussion... And we're probably going to spend all of our time huddled in the penalty box giggling because in this scenario we're in high school. 

Seriously. I did the whole no jacket, no boots thing. IN HIGH SCHOOL. By the time I got to university I had learned to love my fingers and toes and bought proper boots, a nice thick jackets, and once again, mittens were considered cool. Let's be honest, Canadian university students have a lot in common with preschoolers. We wear mittens, we nap at every opportunity, and rubber boots in multicolours paired with sweat pants are the height of fashion at the library. You can't even find mittens in most of the shops here! I actually asked for a pair for my birthday, I am that desperate for a nice, lined pair, for Scotland. 

Okay, so, the 'rink' is outdoors. That's cool. I don't have a lot of experience with outdoor skating. Mostly because of the whole rink in every town thing. They even had a Zamboni at this makeshift Welsh skating rink though it SUCKED. Seriously, that ice was not glistening and the holes were not filled in. It just sort of shuffled the layer of snow from idiots pretending to be hockey players around a bit and called it a day. Seriously, it wasn't even doing it right. Everyone knows that the Zamboni has to cut the ice in half, then it does the outer edge, then it drives over one half, then the other half, then back up the centre and out of the rink.  I try not to watch hockey and even I can give the basic idea, sort of. That might not actually be right, but you get the picture. ANYWAY, the point is this Zamboni was drunk. It zigzagged a bit over the ice and then stumbled back to its sad little corner of grass.

I get my skates. I'm a size three in this country. Actually, I'm a size three at home too. Did you know that women's size 5 and children's size 3 are the same size? Oh yes. They are. For everyone wondering how I found so many pairs of flip flops with superheroes on them, or where I got my weird coloured flats... Wonder no more. The kid's section.

Okay, so the only size threes they had were women's skates. With picks. I was a little worried because I don't think I have dental care in this country, so I'd rather not knock out some teeth on the ice. The skates are awful, bright blue and plastic, and took ages to get on right. They're rusty because they haven't been cleaning them between uses [my skates still had snow on them]. I'm sort of horrified by this point [I also don't have health care here, yet] but decide to try it out anyway. Remember, I'm in the negociation stage here. If it's not exactly like Canada I'm not interested.

Remember the drunk Zamboni? Yeah, the ice had huge chunks out of it that mocked me with their existence. I know how to skate, but the combination of the picks and the crazy uneven ice made it pretty difficult. I actually spent fifteen minutes rotating between tightly gripping the wall, letting go to skate a bit, tripping over a huge gash on the ice, gripping the wall tightly to restore balance, rinse and repeat. I was off balance because of the giant hand bag I carry around. You try carrying around medicine in your pocket... It just makes you look like you've got a penis.

I am, however, very pleased to announce to you all that I did not fall once. After the first, perilous fifteen minutes, I found my ice legs and skated around in circles for fun like all the other people. Of course, it only lasted another fifteen minutes because my host couldn't figure out skating, and was practically frost bitten by then. Who could have predicted that tights aren't that great at keeping your legs warm?

... 

 

That was sarcasm. 

<3 Jade 

Canada Shop

My lovely mother was nice enough to send me a care package that included maple syrup and Halloween treats. But, mailing stuff overseas is crazy expensive. I mean, my family is used to it because my grandparents are still living in la materland, in the very old world country of... England. Haha. But yeah, it's not something I'd expect them to do regularly or anything.

The Halloween treats were because I adore Halloween, and seriously, this country is crap at it. For a tradition that originated on the island next door [or this very island, way too lazy to google that], they're not very good at the commercialized aspect of it. They put all their efforts into Christmas. No, really. Tesco had Christmas decorations and food out before it was November 1st, and they're actually turning on the lights at Regent Street on Tuesday. Before Remembrance Day. Not that this will stop me from going because it's free, but still!

So, what's a girl to do when she doesn't want to burden her family with requests for Canadian food? She goes to the Canada Shop. That's a little bit of a misnomer because it's actually the Canada Aisle in a shop that imports Canadian, Australian, New Zealander, and South African products for ex-pats. I was unlucky enough to go about halfway between shipments, so there wasn't a whole lot. But it was pretty neat. In one corner they had the sort of Canadian junk you'd see in a dollar store before Canada Day. Cheap mini flags, pens, stuffed animals, stickers meant for your car or binder or something. The sort of stuff you know that no Canadians are buying, but you'd clearly be interested in if, say, you're from another country in North America and don't want the French to be jerks to you.

Then there was the aisle, which had the gross maple syrup [the stuff in the glass bottle, you know what I mean] that no one ever buys so of course they have stuff to spare for the Canadians playing at being British. They also had some canned stuff, like that canned poutine gravy stuff, and, I don't know, a bunch of Canadian stuff that I never bought in Canada so I wasn't going to buy it in England. Oh, and Oreos, which you can get in a regular English supermarket so I don't know what the deal was there. They did have Tim Horten's though, but no hot chocolate. So, I put myself down on a list to get a tin of it from the next shipment. Honestly, the golden, hilarious stuff was reading what other people ordered while I wrote down my information.

For those of you with no imagination.
Or, you know, for the Americans that read
this and don't know what I'm talking about.

The number one thing Canadians want from the Canada Shop? If you said maple syrup you're wrong. They definitely do not want it judging by the amount of containers still on the shelf. Oh no, everyone was ordering Kraft Dinner. Awesome!

Honestly, I only went in the first place because I saw on their website that they had Coffee Crisp bars, which I adore! Unfortunately, so does everyone else because the only chocolate bar they had left was Caramilk. Ew, and not at all nut free.

I mostly just wanted a taste of home, and something that lacks the infinitely stupid labelling in this country. Okay, well, not the whole country. Sainsbury's has pretty decent labelling, but Tesco is moronic. They're basically England's Costco. At Costco, they label every, single food thing that goes through their kitchen with a label that's like, "May contain nuts, peanuts, shellfish, whatever else you might be allergic to that's food, sulphites, your first born, my mother, diary". So, even if it's chicken, plain, raw chicken, it's apparently not safe to eat. Good to know. They also use that one label for everything, so if you're looking at a salad that has pecans and cheese in it, the note will still say that only may contain the stuff.

ANYWAY, enough of that little side rant.

Tesco is more hilarious with their labelling. Everything that's the Tesco brand has this label that's like:

THIS PRODUCT: Nut free
INGREDIENTS: Cannot guarantee nut free
FACTORY: Nut free

Uhm, what? If it's just, like, flour and sugar and whatever else you put in a scone why wouldn't it be nut free? Do your suppliers just walk around and slip nuts in things for a laugh?

It's the wording that's crazy. How can a product be simultaneously nut free and not nut free? I mean, I get that they're trying to prevent lawsuits, but the way they do it is just too funny. It also means that I go shop at Sainsbury's because I can't be bothered to deal with a company that slaps such a stupid label on everything in their shop.

Your loss, Tesco! You crazy, Christmas in October company, you!

<3 Jade