Nerd attack!

So, here's the thing. My name is Jade, and I am crazy nerdy. Like, really, really nerdy. Back home in Canada one of my all time favourite ways to pass the time was 'people speculating' with one of my best friends. Seriously. We would spend hours discussing people, their motives for certain actions, why we think they did this or that, what we think they might do in the future based on their past actions. I blame it on the anthropology training I've had because I'm pretty sure that 'normal' people do not spend hours discussing people. 

You can tell I'm a nerd just by looking at my blog. I call myself 'Thalia Rex'. The Mesozoic is the age of the dinosaurs, which is when a T. Rex would have lived, had babies, and eventually been a casualty of the Earth's mid life crisis. Seriously, it went seriously emo there for a bit and started to BLEED LAVA [Haha, a professor used that analogy in my dinosaurs class and I still crack up when I think about it] and then it got hit by meteors and basically it was a bad scene for a couple of million years. How do I know this? Because I'm also an evolution nerd.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some stories that show just how crazy nerdy I am. 

***

So, on Halloween I ended my evening in an empty bar, drowning my scratched up and bruised knee sorrows in mojitos. You know who's a captive audience at an empty bar? The bartender. I spent a good chunk of time giving him history lessons. 'History with Jade' is hilarious because it's a little like how Eddie Izzard tells history, and because I have three stories that I like to tell over and over again. 'The time America tried to invade Canada so we burnt down their president's house and that's why they call it a White House', 'The time Canada decided to revolt and it took place in a  tavern and everyone was drunk' and, 'The time Canada made a hospital room part of the Netherlands so now they send us tulips every year'. I always like to play up the most hilarious aspects of history during my lessons. Like, the only guy who was arrested at the Canadian revolution in Upper Canada was the guy who showed up late because he slept in. The other drunks got away. The guy that set the White House on fire was a Nova Scotian. We swept through and took an awful lot of land before England was all, 'Give that back, seriously. Canada, don't be a jerk.' 

SEE, I'm doing it again. Like, I can not stop myself from spewing out random facts all the time. It's like some sort of tick. That poor bartender. If I were him I would have spit in my drink. 

***

I'm crazy about evolution. I just think it's so much fun. I also quite enjoy reading missed connections on Craig's List or Kijiji or whatever. So, whenever I'm bored in lovely London I read missed connections and platonic friendship ads. I think missed connections are the funniest. Usually it's something like, "I was in the underground. You were wearing a black coat! You had blue eyes! I smiled at you." Right. That could be one of several people. Sometimes they're a little better and the person will be all, "I'll know it's you if you can tell me the logo on your shopping bag!" Hahahaha. I love it! I can't get enough.

Anyway, the other day I stumbled onto a platonic friendship ad that asked if a turtle without a shell is naked or homeless. Okay, so, a turtle without a shell is dead. No, seriously. The scutes, or scales, are its skin, and the shell itself is an extension of the turtle's RIBS and BACKBONES. Now, if I rip out your ribs are you going to continue living? No, of course not. We all know what happened on that episode of True Blood where Russell ripped out the news anchor's spine. [Fun fact: Turtles are also from the Mesozoic, just like dinosaurs! Woo!] 

This is how the turtle sees you.

So, I totally e-mailed the guy and pointed this out to him. Not surprisingly, he didn't e-mail me back. For obvious reasons. I'm a buzzkill, I'm crazy, who responds to a rhetorical question anyway?

***

Another thing that amuses me greatly is Omegle. I have spent hours on that website annoying strangers. My favourite question? 'What came first, the chicken or the egg?'  I also like to annoy the Creationists on that site by just spouting off every evolution fact I can think of before they close the window, but that question is by far my favourite. I seriously hate the philosophical answers that come from chicken verses egg questions and I would actually seriously consider marrying the guy who could answer the question using biology. Basically, the type of egg that chickens lay came first. The hard shelled  [amniotic] egg that protected the embryos from the elements and allowed everything after amphibians to move inland was evolved sometime in the Carboniferous. Aves, or birds, evolved from a theropod lineage. Theropods  [T. Rexes are theropods] first appeared in the Triassic. Several millions of years happened between the two!

***

Yeah, so, there you go. Some examples of just how nerdy I am. Love me anyway? 

(: 

<3 Jade 

P.S. Here's Daniel Radcliffe being nerdy! Love it!

Inappropriate? All the time, baby.

So, here's the thing. I have a knack for saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, laughing, whatever, at the wrong time. It's a gift, or a curse, it depends really. It's hilarious sometimes.

I mean, I have an unlimited number of examples here, so here's one... At the beginning of this year I was 'seeing' this guy. I don't really know if that's the appropriate word for it because it was basically him alternating between being a douchebag and making me feel guilty for thinking he was a douchebag. Anyway, I was dramatic about it, it was hilarious, and it all blew up a mere month later through text messages. Basically, he talked about bleeding for sins and other dramatic crap and accused me of being an alcoholic. I informed him that he wasn't Jesus and then proceeded to prove him wrong about the alcoholic thing by 'celebrating' at a bar with a couple of my nearest and dearest. Clearly it was a very mature... thing... because we both declared we were 'done' in the great tradition of Ron and Sammi from Jersey Shore. Except without the constant getting back together. You know your life is awesome when... Woo!

Anyway, in the early stages, well before it got stressful, I was chilling in his dorm room and he was playing the guitar. I let my mind wander, as you do, and then suddenly cracked myself up. Which was fine, but then I decided to share what made me laugh. Basically, I thought of that Kiss cartoon, or movie, or whatever it was, where they made the Berlin Wall fall with the magical powers of their instruments. These instruments emitted lightening or something. Please tell me that someone else remembers this because everyone thinks I'm crazy. But yeah, it was a hilarious image. Unfortunately, it didn't amuse him, which was probably some sort of sign.

Okay, so what about in London? Oh, it still happens all the time. All. The. Time. Like, this past weekend when I went to the Lord Mayor's Show. My friends and I were hanging out at the start, as you do, looking at the cute coppers, hanging out by the police line, waving to Australia House, etc. In London they block off streets for parades like a machine. Barriers, police tape, patrolling police, the whole nine yards. None of that, "Please don't cross - oh you're crossing anyway, okay, well, next time please don't cross!" stuff you see in Halifax. You were not crossing, and that's final.

This guy? Surprisingly absent.

Except Special Snowflakes don't really think the rules apply to them, so people still demanded to be allowed across and then the police officers, and perhaps Gandalf [occasionally, or not at all since he's imaginary], had to lay down the law. It really wasn't as bad as it sounded. Right up until a few minutes before the floats started to leave, you could cross about 10 metres up the street. Clearly this was too far for one woman because she merely huffed and stayed with us when told she'd have to *gasp* walk to the proper crossing spot. Do these people jay walk? Like, I don't get the problem.

Anyway, things got worse when they closed the barriers and started to inform people that they would have to walk ages along the parade route in order to find a place to cross. The indignant people were piling up!

Now, at the same time, there was a wedding taking place, in the middle of the parade route. Along comes what appears to be a bridesmaid, a flower girl, and several other family and friends, looking to cross so they can make it to the wedding in time. The police let them across the police tape because come on, wedding.

Remember that huffing and puffing lady? Yeah, she flipped her lid. Hilariously flipped her lid. Like, she wasn't making any sense. She calls over a police officer and proceeds to lose her mind.

"YOU SAID NO ONE WAS ALLOWED TO CROSS. HOW COME THEY GET TO CROSS?"

The police officer was like, "Those were my orders ma'am, I don't know why they were allowed to cross but my boss let it happen so..."

Then she goes, "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET ACROSS? WHY WON'T YOU LET ME CROSS? DO I NEED A SIGN TO CROSS?"

Hahahahahahahaha, what? No one, at any point in this encounter, had a sign. Like, why, of all things, would a sign be the magical key to get across the street? At this point point I lost it and started to giggle hysterically. This did not help the police officer, as the woman was standing right behind me and he had to look at me to talk to her. Eventually he got her calmed down and she stormed off to find a way to cross the street.

Luckily she didn't decide to scream at me because I could not control the laughter.

And there you go. I couldn't have an appropriate reaction to something to save my life.

Oh well.

<3 Jade

P.S. Guys? Gals? Homo Sapiens? Here's the thing... I know someone out there is reading this because in the past couple of weeks I went from one or two page views to... a whole lot. I love you and want you to leave comments if you're so inclined. Please? <3

The Korean Film Festival

So, sometimes I like to joke that my life is a romantic comedy before the cute boy shows up. You know, the part where the heroine is bumbling her way through life, making hilarious gaffs and generally being insane. That is pretty much me in a nutshell, honestly. But don't put me in a nutshell. I'll die.

Anyway, last Friday I went to the centre for a bit. Took in the National Portrait Gallery and decided to go see a film with my friend, Welshie. That's not her real name, just so you know.

CONTINUING ON. We went to see Burke and Hare, which was as hilarious as a movie about two murderers can be. Surprisingly, when Simon Pegg is involved, this is very hilarious. I think my favourite part was the music. I'm honestly [not really] starting to think that Scotland only has two songs. Scotland the Brave, played on pipes, which was used at the beginning of the movie to let the audience know that the film was set in Scotland. And, 500 Miles, that hilarious song about walking 1000 miles to pass out on some poor girl's doorstep. Because nothing says true love like a song about getting drunk and havering [which apparently means 'babble like an idiot' and not 'puke your guts out' like I've been assuming for years] FOR LOVE. This song was played during the end credits. I'm sure it was a joke, and if you've watched the movie you'll get why it's hilariously appropriate but also hilariously tasteless.

I'm a little worried that my New Year's Eve in Edinburgh will just feature these two songs on repeat until it's time for Auld Lang Syne. That's also Scottish, apparently. My knowledge of Scotland is terrible because all I know I learned from this museum in my hometown [THE BIRTHPLACE OF NEW SCOTLAND] and they totally got it twisted and definitely rewrote bits to make the Scots look fantastic and the English even worse than normal. And let's be honest, England doesn't appear all that favourably [unless they're writing it] in history for like 500 years. Colonialism ftl!

Anyway, I do know Scotland has loads of fantastic music. My cousin listens to this stuff that can be best described as 'Cape Breton Alehouse Music' and I at least know I can dance to that! I am totally looking forward to hearing some other awesome Scottish music at New Year's though. Woo!

Okay, so that was a long winded tangent because the reason for this post is what happened after the film was over. Welshie and I got up, walked out of the cinema... and onto a red carpet.

I am not joking. There were people just inside posing on this backdrop thing while some guy snapped their photo. We dashed across that like ninja, and out the doors and BAM, red carpet city.

We had walked into the opening night of the London Korean Film Festival.

At first I thought it was no big thing [you know, like how Dal will have red carpets for costume or theatre events], but there were a couple people there with cameras, and they stopped flashing because, well, it was obvious that we weren't Korean film stars. There were people waiting to walk onto the carpet, and other people milling around. All while I stood there with Welshie paralysed with fear because I clearly wasn't supposed to be there. They had everything blocked off to prevent the cameras from getting too close, so we had to make a mad dash for the only way out: The way people were walking onto the red carpet.

Everyone seemed pretty nice, or at least, no one yelled at us, or looked like they were yelling at us. We had to pass a security guard to leave the carpet, and he didn't spare us much of a glance. He just waved us out. I'm not sure if I came into close contact with any Korean film stars, but I honestly wouldn't be able to tell. I don't know a thing about Korean films or their celebrities.

I did some googling later and found out that the film they were showing that night, at the theatre I was at, was kind of a big deal. The Man From Nowhere is a massive hit in Korea.

Well, I'm glad I got to be a part of it, even if it was to totally mess up their red carpet for a minute or so.

Sorry, Korea!

<3 Jade

Canada Shop

My lovely mother was nice enough to send me a care package that included maple syrup and Halloween treats. But, mailing stuff overseas is crazy expensive. I mean, my family is used to it because my grandparents are still living in la materland, in the very old world country of... England. Haha. But yeah, it's not something I'd expect them to do regularly or anything.

The Halloween treats were because I adore Halloween, and seriously, this country is crap at it. For a tradition that originated on the island next door [or this very island, way too lazy to google that], they're not very good at the commercialized aspect of it. They put all their efforts into Christmas. No, really. Tesco had Christmas decorations and food out before it was November 1st, and they're actually turning on the lights at Regent Street on Tuesday. Before Remembrance Day. Not that this will stop me from going because it's free, but still!

So, what's a girl to do when she doesn't want to burden her family with requests for Canadian food? She goes to the Canada Shop. That's a little bit of a misnomer because it's actually the Canada Aisle in a shop that imports Canadian, Australian, New Zealander, and South African products for ex-pats. I was unlucky enough to go about halfway between shipments, so there wasn't a whole lot. But it was pretty neat. In one corner they had the sort of Canadian junk you'd see in a dollar store before Canada Day. Cheap mini flags, pens, stuffed animals, stickers meant for your car or binder or something. The sort of stuff you know that no Canadians are buying, but you'd clearly be interested in if, say, you're from another country in North America and don't want the French to be jerks to you.

Then there was the aisle, which had the gross maple syrup [the stuff in the glass bottle, you know what I mean] that no one ever buys so of course they have stuff to spare for the Canadians playing at being British. They also had some canned stuff, like that canned poutine gravy stuff, and, I don't know, a bunch of Canadian stuff that I never bought in Canada so I wasn't going to buy it in England. Oh, and Oreos, which you can get in a regular English supermarket so I don't know what the deal was there. They did have Tim Horten's though, but no hot chocolate. So, I put myself down on a list to get a tin of it from the next shipment. Honestly, the golden, hilarious stuff was reading what other people ordered while I wrote down my information.

For those of you with no imagination.
Or, you know, for the Americans that read
this and don't know what I'm talking about.

The number one thing Canadians want from the Canada Shop? If you said maple syrup you're wrong. They definitely do not want it judging by the amount of containers still on the shelf. Oh no, everyone was ordering Kraft Dinner. Awesome!

Honestly, I only went in the first place because I saw on their website that they had Coffee Crisp bars, which I adore! Unfortunately, so does everyone else because the only chocolate bar they had left was Caramilk. Ew, and not at all nut free.

I mostly just wanted a taste of home, and something that lacks the infinitely stupid labelling in this country. Okay, well, not the whole country. Sainsbury's has pretty decent labelling, but Tesco is moronic. They're basically England's Costco. At Costco, they label every, single food thing that goes through their kitchen with a label that's like, "May contain nuts, peanuts, shellfish, whatever else you might be allergic to that's food, sulphites, your first born, my mother, diary". So, even if it's chicken, plain, raw chicken, it's apparently not safe to eat. Good to know. They also use that one label for everything, so if you're looking at a salad that has pecans and cheese in it, the note will still say that only may contain the stuff.

ANYWAY, enough of that little side rant.

Tesco is more hilarious with their labelling. Everything that's the Tesco brand has this label that's like:

THIS PRODUCT: Nut free
INGREDIENTS: Cannot guarantee nut free
FACTORY: Nut free

Uhm, what? If it's just, like, flour and sugar and whatever else you put in a scone why wouldn't it be nut free? Do your suppliers just walk around and slip nuts in things for a laugh?

It's the wording that's crazy. How can a product be simultaneously nut free and not nut free? I mean, I get that they're trying to prevent lawsuits, but the way they do it is just too funny. It also means that I go shop at Sainsbury's because I can't be bothered to deal with a company that slaps such a stupid label on everything in their shop.

Your loss, Tesco! You crazy, Christmas in October company, you!

<3 Jade