So, I've finally got myself a job! Three months later [Okay, actually it was two months and a bit into this trip but I'm just writing about it now, haha]. Oh recession, how I do not love you.
I had to sign confidentiality agreements and everything. So, I'm not allowed to tell you about any famous people I might see along the way, and I'm also not allowed to write a tell all when I leave the company. That's cool, I super have no desire to be famous, or infamous, anyway. I don't think it would hurt to tell you what I do, mostly because I feel like some people reading this started to imagine something really fabulous when they read the bit about the confidentiality agreement and the reality is much less awesome. What can I say? I like to destroy the myth.
It's a staffing company for parties and events around London. I go to places and, with loads of other people, set up for dinners, serve food, dessert, and alcohol to the guests, and then at the end of the event I take it all apart again. Yep. That's it. Before I move on to the point of the story, I will say this about the job: Drunk people are awful when you're sober and working. Bartenders and cabbies? I have a new appreciation for you. I really, really do.
Anyway, I've been working for the company for about two weeks now. My start date ended up being delayed because they hired me right before I left for Wales, and then it took forever to find their uniform. Black three quartered length, button up shirts? IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND! So far I've learned two things: 1. I need more supportive shoes, and 2. The people in this country can not give directions. At all. It's like they bred out the ability to sensibly give directions. Actually, this explains a lot about my own ability to tell people how to get from point A to point B.
I sort of had my suspicions because my friend Welshie is terrible at directions. One example that still annoys me when I think about it happened a few weeks back at the Lord Mayer's Show. I ended up trapped across the street from St. Paul's Cathedral. I couldn't cross the street because of the whole parade thing, but that was, apparently, where Welshie was. Welshie decided to sit in a Starbucks and wait for me to get there. I, a new person to London and with no idea where anything is, asked her how to get there. "Oh," she says, "do you see the shopping complex? It's in there."
Great, you all say, that's easy enough to find! No, I reply while shaking my head sadly, it is not. St. Paul's is surrounded by shopping complexes. I was standing in front of [the wrong] one as I unsuccessfully tried to pry directions out of Welshie.
Welshie then proceeded to tell me to go right. "Right when I'm facing the cathedral, or right when I'm facing the other way?" I asked, as any sensible person would. At this point Welshie got flustered and told me to go right again. I calmly repeated my question, and she told me to go find a police officer and ask him.
Anyway, it turned out I needed to go left, or what would have been right if I was facing away from the cathedral but I was not because as mentioned to you, and at the time to Welshie, my position was across the street from St. Paul's. Basically, if I had followed her directions I never would have found her.
The annoying thing is this happens all the time.
Another example? Of course! The other day I was booked for a job by M Station. The directions told me to turn left after leaving the tube station and I immediately knew I would get lost. Why? Because most tube stations have more than one entrance and the directions never, ever tell you which exit you need to take. Not when you try to use Google directions, not when you use the journey planner on the London Transport page, and definitely not when you're trying to get your staff to an event. Although, I do have to be fair and admit that it isn't the staffing company's fault. They're using the same Google directions and London Transport page that I use. Even though it feels like these programs are deliberately withholding information from me as I wander the streets of London, deep, deep down I know they are not.
So, I arrive at the station and relief floods over me when I realize there is only one proper tube station entrance, the other one is the overground entrance with access to the tube station. Great! I turn left and walk the whole length of the street without spotting the side street I'm supposed to be on. Lost, which is a state I'm in approximately 75% of the time in this city, I call the company, who tell me I should have turned right when I got out of the station. Of course. The directions were actually for the overground entrance across the street. Even though they said they were from the tube station part. I quickly walked back to the station and made my way to the event, where I commiserated with some Australians who made the same 'mistake'.
Of course, the two previous examples have nothing on my third, and final, example of Londoners giving bad directions. I needed to get to an event by O Station. The directions told me to walk 'down' a street outside the station. If you leave the station you can go left or right, and it is important to note that this street is not on a hill. So, if it's flat, how do you know which way is down? Confused, I called the company for better directions. Where they repeatedly told me I needed to go down. "Okay," I said in my best 'I'm so frustrated by trying really hard to hide it' voice, "is that towards T Street, or towards H Street?"
"It's down!" The person on the line repeated like a broken record. "You know, towards the river!" Right, cool, except you can't see the river from this station, so I still needed a left or right direction. At one point we were both so frustrated and annoyed that we both turned condescending and the person on the line went, "Okay, I feel like you're getting stressed... Listen very carefully: Gooooo dooooooooooowwwwnnnnnnnn."
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I honestly felt like forgetting about the job and going home. Why is it so hard to just tell me to go towards T Street, or towards H Street? You can't go down unless you're on a hill, or by a hole! Eventually I just picked a direction at random, found out that the street starts to go downhill once you pass a building or two, and found my way to the event. But still.
I think the most frustrating thing is that the people here are convinced they give excellent directions. If I ask them to clear it up a bit they act like I'm the moron, when in every example I listed here, just blindly following their directions lead, or would have lead, to me being in the totally wrong spot. I'm not perfect when it comes to giving directions, but I always tell people things like, "Okay, when you stand in front the Well Known Landmark and look at it, you need to go right." It's really simple enough! Perspective means EVERYTHING. If you're looking away from the landmark you need to go left! This isn't hard stuff!
...Unless you're a Londoner.
<3 Jade
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